Dear Ex-Best Friend,

You’re as obsessed with Facebook as I am and I keep running into these open letters, letters that can be read by anyone but is directed to a specific person.

Have you been seeing those too?

I knew I wanted to write this letter, I knew that I had about a million and one things that I wanted to say. It’s funny, our friendship was capable of creating so many emotions between the two of us. Anger, Sadness, Joy, and so much more.

I started writing a book recently, The Girl in the Cage, and it is about a girl who lost her best friend in a rather similar way that we lost each other. There is this one moment, a single moment, that is the final straw and while there are so many other reasons, this is the reason most clear.

It started from the day we met, I wasn’t a big fan of you but our science teacher kept putting us into groups and we were the only two who would work on it in those groups.

We became friends because of that.

But you were very different than any person I had ever encountered before, you were very sheltered and not because you were oblivious or anything but because you were literally sheltered, I mean, you were home schooled.

Your mannerisms were awkward, your approach was a question of the social norm, your kindness was minimal, and your look was one that could kill. You were not exactly approachable.

I wish I could say that changed but honestly, it never did. I would put my blinders up and ignore everything, I would pretend.

You were harsh and cruel in many, many ways. Your opinions were outdated and while we agreed on SOME things, it was not nearly enough.

It didn’t help that having an opinion different from yours is basically out of the question as you were the type to jump at someone, ready to fight at any given moment.

It’s funny, you were my best friend and yet I could never describe feeling so caged up better than I was friends with you and I didn’t even realize it. There is a point in the book, a book I am sure you will never read, that describes looking into a cage and not realizing it at first.

“I created a person that was not me but looked like me. She had my eyes and my hair and even my smile but they were revealed through harsh intakes of doubt. Everything about her on the outside was me and even I believed she was… Until somebody cut her and revealed the girl in the cage.

Her voice was tampered with, the volume turned so low that her words had no impact or meaning. Her mouth was taped shut, not wanting to reveal the truth. Her eyes were covered, refusing to reveal the world as how it really was.”

It feels so cruel to feel this way, you were someone I clung onto after my heart was broken many times, somebody who listened to everything I had to say, and somebody I cared about more than myself.

But that in itself was the problem. I didn’t want to anger you, I didn’t want to upset you, and I tried to do everything in my power to continue being your friend. It wasn’t until my feelings were hurt and I began to think, analyzing our friendship.

I looked back at the friendships I held dearly and lost in order to please you, I began to think of the times that I felt less than nothing, I began to think of the times that I was alone more often than not.

You were somebody that meant so much to me that I was willing to no longer be capable of being myself and I am ashamed of not you but me for this.

I tried so hard and there was no need and I wonder what our relationship would have been had I not caged myself up because it was not you who put me in the cage, it was myself.

I was never angry with you, when I said that, I was telling the truth however I was consistently hurt by you. My heart often felt broken and I didn’t even realize it.

So while every fiber of my being misses you, wanting to pretend that my feelings were not a thing, and as much as I wish that we could have been friends forever… I know that we couldn’t be.

In order for the both of us to be happy, either of us to be, we could no longer be friends and I didn’t realize that at first and while my heart aches when I can’t talk to you and I feel more alone than ever, I know that this was for the best.

I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever could.

I just don’t want anything to do with you and that kills me.

I hope you find happiness, I hope you find a career and passion that drives you, I hope you find a love so pure and amazing that you are willing to love them without question. I hope for so many things with you. I hope you find much better friends.

I don’t wish you a sad life, I don’t wish you a bad one.

I want you to be happy in whatever happens to you but now I know that I am not someone who will ever be apart of that. I love you deeply.

So I leave you with this, my final parting, as I bid you goodbye.

– Sabrina Ingram.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s